Whatever you give a woman, she will make it greater.
If you give her a sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So, if you give her any aggravation, be ready to receive a ton of stuff in return.
If you give her a sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So, if you give her any aggravation, be ready to receive a ton of stuff in return.
Whatever you give a woman, she will make it greater.
If you give her a sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So, if you give her any aggravation, be ready to receive a ton of stuff in return.
If you give her a sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So, if you give her any aggravation, be ready to receive a ton of stuff in return.
The telephone rings in the principal's office at a school.
"Hello, this is Dunn Elementary," answers the principal.
"Hi. Jimmy won't be able to come to school all next week," replies the voice.
"Well, what seems to be the problem with him?"
"We are all going on a family vacation," says the voice, "I hope it is all right."
"I guess that would be fine," says the principal. "May I ask who is calling?"
"Sure. This is my father!"
"Hello, this is Dunn Elementary," answers the principal.
"Hi. Jimmy won't be able to come to school all next week," replies the voice.
"Well, what seems to be the problem with him?"
"We are all going on a family vacation," says the voice, "I hope it is all right."
"I guess that would be fine," says the principal. "May I ask who is calling?"
"Sure. This is my father!"
A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of kittens.
On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were 2 boy kittens and 2 girl kittens."
"How did you know?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."
Santa goes to the podiatrist with a swollen foot.On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were 2 boy kittens and 2 girl kittens."
"How did you know?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."
After a careful examination, the doctor hands him a pill that looks big enough to choke a horse.
"I will be right back with some water," the doctor tells him.
The doctor has been gone a while, and Santa is losing his patience. He hobbles outside to the drinking fountain, forces the pill down his throat, and gobbles down water until the pill clears his throat.
Santa then hobbles back into the examining room. Just then the doctor comes back with a bucket of warm water.
"Ok, after the tablet dissolves, soak that foot for about 20 minutes.
A woman went into a bank to get a check cashed, but she didn't have an account with them.
When the teller her asked for some identification, the woman showed her several charge cards, her social security card and a library card.
The teller told her they needed a driver's license, but the woman said she didn't have one.
"Don't you have anything with your picture on it?" the teller asked.
"Oh, sure," she said, as she flipped to a family photo in her wallet. "That's me in the back row."
When the teller her asked for some identification, the woman showed her several charge cards, her social security card and a library card.
The teller told her they needed a driver's license, but the woman said she didn't have one.
"Don't you have anything with your picture on it?" the teller asked.
"Oh, sure," she said, as she flipped to a family photo in her wallet. "That's me in the back row."
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a
particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a
couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf!
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf!
Cop: How did you kill 50 people in a car crash?
Santa: I suddenly lost control.
Cop: Then what happened?
Santa: I saw 2 people on the right & a wedding party on the left. You tell me which should I have hit?
Cop: The 2 people on the right would have certainly caused less damage.
Santa: Exactly what I thought! I hit the 1st one but then the other one person ran into the wedding so I went after him!
Santa: I suddenly lost control.
Cop: Then what happened?
Santa: I saw 2 people on the right & a wedding party on the left. You tell me which should I have hit?
Cop: The 2 people on the right would have certainly caused less damage.
Santa: Exactly what I thought! I hit the 1st one but then the other one person ran into the wedding so I went after him!
A
prison governor is appalled by the poor standard of English used by the
inmates of his prison. To rectify this problem he decides to employ a
teacher from the local grammar school to set up remedial English
classes.
In the first lesson, the teacher explains that she is going to start with the basics.
"Who knows what always comes after a sentence?" she asks.
All the prisoners answer together, "The appeal!"
In the first lesson, the teacher explains that she is going to start with the basics.
"Who knows what always comes after a sentence?" she asks.
All the prisoners answer together, "The appeal!"
A
wealthy old farmer was having a family reunion with his large family
and as they all sat down to the table for a Sunday dinner, the old man
looked around at his six big strapping sons and said:
"I don't see any grandchildren around this table of mine. I want you all to know that I will give $10,000 to the first one of you who presents me with a grandchild. We will now say grace."
"I don't see any grandchildren around this table of mine. I want you all to know that I will give $10,000 to the first one of you who presents me with a grandchild. We will now say grace."
A
store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, "No, ma'am, we
haven't had any for quite some time now, and it doesn't look as if we'll
be getting any more."
Alarmed by what was being said, the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said, "That isn't true, ma'am. Of course, we'll have some soon. In fact, I personally placed an order for them just a couple of days ago."
Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled, "Never, never, never, never say we don't have something. If we don't have it, say we ordered it and it's on its way. Now, what was it she asked if we had any?"
"Poisonous spiders in the fruit department."
Alarmed by what was being said, the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said, "That isn't true, ma'am. Of course, we'll have some soon. In fact, I personally placed an order for them just a couple of days ago."
Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled, "Never, never, never, never say we don't have something. If we don't have it, say we ordered it and it's on its way. Now, what was it she asked if we had any?"
"Poisonous spiders in the fruit department."
An old couple were sitting in Church and the wife noticed that people were staring at her.
She leaned across to her husband and whispered, "I've just let go a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"
He said, "I think you should get fresh batteries for your hearing aid."
She leaned across to her husband and whispered, "I've just let go a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"
He said, "I think you should get fresh batteries for your hearing aid."
When he raised his eyes again, he and his wife were the only ones at the table.
Farmer Banta killed a lamb and hung it up for the night, intending to butcher it in the morning, but the next day it was gone.
He didn’t tell a soul about it, and nothing happened for more than two months.
Then another farmer, Santa, who lived down the road, came by and said, "By the way Banta, did you ever find out who stole your lamb?"
"Nope," said Banta. "Not until just now."
The company psychiatrist was interviewing the young blonde.He didn’t tell a soul about it, and nothing happened for more than two months.
Then another farmer, Santa, who lived down the road, came by and said, "By the way Banta, did you ever find out who stole your lamb?"
"Nope," said Banta. "Not until just now."
As she sat in the chair, the psychiatrist asked a series of questions to determine if she was emotionally suitable for the company. Things were not going well for the young blonde.
The psychiatrist decided to try a new approach, to give the blonde one last chance.
He asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?"
The blonde quickly responded, "The living one
Early one morning, my husband, who works in a funeral home, woke me, complaining about severe abdominal pains.
We rushed to the emergency room, where tests were performed to determine the source of the pain.
My husband decided not to have me call in sick for him until we knew what was wrong. When the results came back, the nurse informed us that, true to our suspicions, he was suffering from a kidney stone.
I turned to my husband and asked, "Would you like me to call the funeral home now?"
With a scornful look, the nurse turned to me and snapped, "Honey, he's not that sick!"
We rushed to the emergency room, where tests were performed to determine the source of the pain.
My husband decided not to have me call in sick for him until we knew what was wrong. When the results came back, the nurse informed us that, true to our suspicions, he was suffering from a kidney stone.
I turned to my husband and asked, "Would you like me to call the funeral home now?"
With a scornful look, the nurse turned to me and snapped, "Honey, he's not that sick!"
So
one day, Gramma sent her grandson Little Johnny down to the water hole
to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in,
he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and
hightailed it for Gramma's kitchen.
"Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water?" Gramma asked him.
"I can't get any water from that water hole, Gramma" exclaimed Johnny. "There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!"
"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!"
"Well, Gramma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"
"Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water?" Gramma asked him.
"I can't get any water from that water hole, Gramma" exclaimed Johnny. "There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!"
"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!"
"Well, Gramma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"
Standing
at the edge of a lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep
water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran
up.
The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars."
The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore.
Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred?"
The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law."
The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"
The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars."
The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore.
Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred?"
The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law."
The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.
At the end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for ten more years, and then dies.
A ceremony is again held at the same place and at the end of the ceremony the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket.
As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the fucking wall!"
At the end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for ten more years, and then dies.
A ceremony is again held at the same place and at the end of the ceremony the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket.
As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the fucking wall!"
A
drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and wanders over to the
confessional box. He opens the door, sits down and says nothing.
The bewildered priest waits for a few minutes, allowing the drunken man some time to collect his thoughts.
Growing impatient, the priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.
The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.
Finally the drunk replies, "No use knocking mate, there's no paper in this one either."
The bewildered priest waits for a few minutes, allowing the drunken man some time to collect his thoughts.
Growing impatient, the priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.
The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.
Finally the drunk replies, "No use knocking mate, there's no paper in this one either."
Santa and his wife Jeeto were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning.
Santa said to her, "If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff."
"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked.
"I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don't want some other jerk using my stuff."
Jeeto looked at Santa and said, "What makes you think I'd marry another jerk?"
Santa said to her, "If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff."
"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked.
"I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don't want some other jerk using my stuff."
Jeeto looked at Santa and said, "What makes you think I'd marry another jerk?"
An
attorney telephoned the Governor's mansion just after midnight,
insisting that he talk to him, regarding a matter of utmost urgency.
An aide eventually agreed to wake up the Governor.
"So, what is it?" grumbled the Governor.
"Judge Garber has just died," said the attorney, "and I want to take his place."
The Governor replied: "Well, it's OK with me, if it's OK with the undertaker."
An aide eventually agreed to wake up the Governor.
"So, what is it?" grumbled the Governor.
"Judge Garber has just died," said the attorney, "and I want to take his place."
The Governor replied: "Well, it's OK with me, if it's OK with the undertaker."
A
woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint
Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful
banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other
people she had loved and who had died before her.
They saw her and began shouting greetings to her, "Hello! How are you?! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked.
"Love." The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About a year later, Saint Peter approached the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
"Well, I'm really surprised to see you!" the woman exclaimed. "How have you been?"
"Oh, I'd been doing pretty well since you died, actually," her husband replied. "I married the beautiful, young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I have been traveling all around the world. In fact, we were on vacation in Cancun when I went water-skiing today. I fell and hit my head, so here I am. What a bummer! Anyway, how do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
"Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis," she replied.
Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry . . . or there will be Hell to pay!
NB: The longest word currently listed in the Oxford dictionary is the lung-disease pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis (45 letters)
They saw her and began shouting greetings to her, "Hello! How are you?! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked.
"Love." The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About a year later, Saint Peter approached the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
"Well, I'm really surprised to see you!" the woman exclaimed. "How have you been?"
"Oh, I'd been doing pretty well since you died, actually," her husband replied. "I married the beautiful, young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I have been traveling all around the world. In fact, we were on vacation in Cancun when I went water-skiing today. I fell and hit my head, so here I am. What a bummer! Anyway, how do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
"Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis," she replied.
Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry . . . or there will be Hell to pay!
NB: The longest word currently listed in the Oxford dictionary is the lung-disease pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis (45 letters)
Some employees bought their boss a gift for his birthday.
Before opening the gift, the boss shook it slightly, and noticed that it was wet in the corner. Touching his finger to the wet spot and tasting it, he asked, "A bottle of wine?"
His employees replied, "No."
Again, he touched his finger to the box and tasted the liquid, "A bottle of scotch?"
"His employees replied again, "No."
Finally the boss asked, "I give up. What is it?"
His workers responded, "A puppy."
Before opening the gift, the boss shook it slightly, and noticed that it was wet in the corner. Touching his finger to the wet spot and tasting it, he asked, "A bottle of wine?"
His employees replied, "No."
Again, he touched his finger to the box and tasted the liquid, "A bottle of scotch?"
"His employees replied again, "No."
Finally the boss asked, "I give up. What is it?"
His workers responded, "A puppy."
Preeto took her husband Banta to see a psychiatrist for a check up.
After examining him, the doctor took Preeto to one side and said, "I have some very bad news for you. There is nothing I can do to help your husband. His mind has completely gone."
"I’m not really surprised," Preeto replied, "He's been giving me a piece of it every day for the last 20 years."
After examining him, the doctor took Preeto to one side and said, "I have some very bad news for you. There is nothing I can do to help your husband. His mind has completely gone."
"I’m not really surprised," Preeto replied, "He's been giving me a piece of it every day for the last 20 years."
Amy phones her husband at work, "Sam, do you have time for a chat?"
"Sorry, darling, this is not a good time - I'm about to go into a board meeting."
"But this won't take long," Amy says, "I just want to tell you some good news and some bad news."
"I really haven't the time," says Sam, "so just quickly tell me the good news."
"Oh all right then, the good news is that the air bag on your new Lexus works very well."
"Sorry, darling, this is not a good time - I'm about to go into a board meeting."
"But this won't take long," Amy says, "I just want to tell you some good news and some bad news."
"I really haven't the time," says Sam, "so just quickly tell me the good news."
"Oh all right then, the good news is that the air bag on your new Lexus works very well."
Amy phones her husband at work, "Sam, do you have time for a chat?"
"Sorry, darling, this is not a good time - I'm about to go into a board meeting."
"But this won't take long," Amy says, "I just want to tell you some good news and some bad news."
"I really haven't the time," says Sam, "so just quickly tell me the good news."
"Oh all right then, the good news is that the air bag on your new Lexus works very well."
"Sorry, darling, this is not a good time - I'm about to go into a board meeting."
"But this won't take long," Amy says, "I just want to tell you some good news and some bad news."
"I really haven't the time," says Sam, "so just quickly tell me the good news."
"Oh all right then, the good news is that the air bag on your new Lexus works very well."
Recently,
the Psychic Hotline and Psychic Friends Network have launched hotlines
for frogs. Here is the story of one frog and his discussion with his
psychic.
A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"
"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."
A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"
"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."
A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realises the germs in our drinking water.
"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to?"
"You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea."
The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake."
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realises the germs in our drinking water.
"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to?"
"You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea."
The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake."
A
circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table
watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck
tap dancing on it.
The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.
Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!"
"So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"
The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.
Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!"
"So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"
Banta sets up his friend Santa to go on a blind date with a college friend.
Santa is a little worried about going out with someone he's never seen before.
"What do I do if she's ugly?" says Santa, "I'll be with her all night."
"Don't worry," Banta says, "just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you don't, just shout "Aaaaaauuuggghhh!" and fake a heart attack."
That night Santa knocks at the girl's door. When she comes out he is awe-struck at how hot and gorgeous she is.
He's about to speak when the girl suddenly grabs her heart, shouts, "Aaaaaauuuuggghh!" and collapses with a heart attack.
Santa is a little worried about going out with someone he's never seen before.
"What do I do if she's ugly?" says Santa, "I'll be with her all night."
"Don't worry," Banta says, "just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you don't, just shout "Aaaaaauuuggghhh!" and fake a heart attack."
That night Santa knocks at the girl's door. When she comes out he is awe-struck at how hot and gorgeous she is.
He's about to speak when the girl suddenly grabs her heart, shouts, "Aaaaaauuuuggghh!" and collapses with a heart attack.
A new Army recruit was on the rifle range. He fired 50 shots and completely missed the target with every shot!
His Drill Instructor called him to attention and got in his face.
"What's the matter with you?" shouted the DI. "Why can't you hit the target? What were you in civilian life?"
"I was a Cable TV repair man," replied the recruit, "and I don't know why I can't hit the target. Let me see..."
The man checked his rifle, checked his rifle again and then checked his rifle a third time. He then put his finger in front of the muzzle, pulled the trigger and blew the end of his finger off!
"Well," the phone man said, writhing in pain, "the bullets are leaving this end here fine. The trouble must be on the other end!"
After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date.His Drill Instructor called him to attention and got in his face.
"What's the matter with you?" shouted the DI. "Why can't you hit the target? What were you in civilian life?"
"I was a Cable TV repair man," replied the recruit, "and I don't know why I can't hit the target. Let me see..."
The man checked his rifle, checked his rifle again and then checked his rifle a third time. He then put his finger in front of the muzzle, pulled the trigger and blew the end of his finger off!
"Well," the phone man said, writhing in pain, "the bullets are leaving this end here fine. The trouble must be on the other end!"
Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.
When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."
"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had
"Cash, check or charge?" the cashier asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" the cashier asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
As she fumbled for her wallet the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" the cashier asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
A merchant captain and several of his officers were returning to the ship after an evening of partying ashore.
As they climbed the gangway, the captain threw up all over himself.
Pointing to an apprentice seaman above, him he shouted, "Give that man five days in the brig for vomiting!"
The following morning the captain was checking the log and saw that the young seaman had been sentenced to ten days and asked the chief mate why.
"Well Sir, when we got you undressed we found that he'd also took a dump in your pants."
As they climbed the gangway, the captain threw up all over himself.
Pointing to an apprentice seaman above, him he shouted, "Give that man five days in the brig for vomiting!"
The following morning the captain was checking the log and saw that the young seaman had been sentenced to ten days and asked the chief mate why.
"Well Sir, when we got you undressed we found that he'd also took a dump in your pants."
A young woman arrived to her doctor with black and blue signs of beating.
Doctor, "What happened?"
Woman, "Doctor, I do not know what to do, whenever my husband comes home drunk he beats the hell out of me, almost killing me."
Doctor, "I have a really good medication for it. When your husband comes home drunk you just take a glass of Green tea and start to gargle and gargle, as much as you can do ...... and that's all you have to do"
Two weeks later the woman returns to the doctor reborn and with a grateful look in her eyes ....
Woman, "Doctor, that was a brilliant medicine! Every time my husband came home drunk, I gargled and gargled with Green tea and nothing happened! He Has gone straight to bed."
Doctor, "You see how it helps to keep your mouth shut?"
There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband. For example...Doctor, "What happened?"
Woman, "Doctor, I do not know what to do, whenever my husband comes home drunk he beats the hell out of me, almost killing me."
Doctor, "I have a really good medication for it. When your husband comes home drunk you just take a glass of Green tea and start to gargle and gargle, as much as you can do ...... and that's all you have to do"
Two weeks later the woman returns to the doctor reborn and with a grateful look in her eyes ....
Woman, "Doctor, that was a brilliant medicine! Every time my husband came home drunk, I gargled and gargled with Green tea and nothing happened! He Has gone straight to bed."
Doctor, "You see how it helps to keep your mouth shut?"
A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.
She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us
A
Cajun was stopped by a game warden in South Louisiana recently with two
ice chests of fish leaving a bayou well known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
The Cajun replied, "Naw, ma fren, I ain't got none of dem, no. Dese are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?!" the warden replied.
"Ya. Avery night I take dese here fish down to de bayou and let dem swim round for a while. I whistle and dey jump rat back into dere ice chests and I take dem home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"
The Cajun looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's de truth ma' fren, I'll show you. It really works."
"O.K. I've GOT to see this!"
The game warden was curious now. The Cajun poured the fish in to the bayou and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"
"Well, what?" said the Cajun.
"When are you going to call them back?" The game warden prompted.
"Call who back?" the Cajun asked.
"The FISH"
"What fish?" the Cajun asked.
The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
The Cajun replied, "Naw, ma fren, I ain't got none of dem, no. Dese are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?!" the warden replied.
"Ya. Avery night I take dese here fish down to de bayou and let dem swim round for a while. I whistle and dey jump rat back into dere ice chests and I take dem home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"
The Cajun looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's de truth ma' fren, I'll show you. It really works."
"O.K. I've GOT to see this!"
The game warden was curious now. The Cajun poured the fish in to the bayou and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"
"Well, what?" said the Cajun.
"When are you going to call them back?" The game warden prompted.
"Call who back?" the Cajun asked.
"The FISH"
"What fish?" the Cajun asked.
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